Sometimes i look out my window and watch the rain fall against my window and look at my life, and instantly get sad. I see silence of the world and the silence of my house. Sometimes i wish this silence could last. My life has not been an easy one, but i dont harp on that. But it feels like as if once evertyhing starts getting better, its starting to get worse again. My parents are getting a divorce. My mother leaves in a week for her new job in mississppi but where staying here for another month..except i dont want to leave. My mother wont speak to me anymore, because im apparently the enemy. I ignore this at school but at home i must face it. Im woken up at 5 in the morning for there argument and kept up at night for there talks. Then i go to school and act like nothings wrong, i always have done that. Always acted like nothings wrong.I have these people whom dont know me at school who continually talk crap about me. They dont know me, i know im differnt, but comon, why me? I notice myself lately and the way i act more. Ive come to realize, i always try to make people feel better. My parents, people at school. Like the stuff i want to say i cant, because despite my reputaion i dont want to hurt there feelings. And more then anything i realized yesterday at the homecoming dance. Im desperatly searching for someone to utterly, completly love me. And im realizing ive been doing this for a long time. Which makes me think, im weak because the whole time ive been searching i havent found him. Like im just settling, and i dont want to settle. I want someone who loves me so much that they wont take no for an answer, that theyll realize as hard as it is to get past my barrier, past my wall. That someone in the end itll be worth it. I realized this yesterday when i danced in nicks arms. I realized maybe i liked him, but i knew that i could never have him. Like ray, as my friend put it, just a piece of candy you can never have. It sucks, to feel sorrounded by people but at every moment, of every second, you know despite that..your totally alone. I dont want to be alone. I want to feel as if i belong, as me, liek i dont have to change for them. Im drageed into this divorce and its getting nasty. And my family is me against them, or more along the lines of me and step-dad against everyone else, but even that im alone. Then i go to school and continually mess up. Im told im a screw up, and im starting to belive them. I mean some people are grat at rotc, and great at sports, and awsome artists and awsome writers and awsome somethings, what am i, just settling...to be good enough? I dont want to be good enough, i wnat to geel like ive done my best. I want to belong somewhere. People look at me and i know what they think. IM a hyper, unintelligent goofball. They dont know that i write poetry or songs. They dont know that my parents are...just.. and they dont know that thru my whole life ive faced abandonment, being used, touched, controlled. They dont know about my 9th grade year. I dont want pity, and to ask for acceptence...sounds so clique...i dont know what i want...i jus t know what i dont want. And to be truthful at the moment, i dont want this, i dont want life. I dont want to live in empty promises, lonlinesss, and lack of anything. I feel as if im just part of the hallway moving thru the crowd, watching life past before me, but not seeing it, feeling it or knowing it.

I want to feel life,
I want to to be something
I want to know what that something is.
and i want to fully live.
and most of all.
I wish that this life was someone
else's to deal with.